How Attachment Shapes Your Child

Before your child can talk, reason, or remember; before they are even born, their brain is asking two core questions: 

“Am I safe?” and “Can I trust you?”

 The answer to this question becomes the blueprint they will use to build relationships, establish coping styles, and shape aspects of their personality.

This blueprint is their attachment style, and in this post we’ll discuss: how it forms, how it impacts development in both children AND adults, and identify 3 practical applications you can start using today to better understand and support your child (and yourself).

What is Attachment

At the heart of attachment is something psychologists refer to as internal working models. A working model is simply the brain’s understanding of what something is and how it works, built from experience and observation.

Imagine being dropped into a city you’ve never been to before. No map, no directions. You’d start figuring it out by trial and error. You’d notice which streets feel safe, which ones lead nowhere, and which routes actually get you where you need to go. Soon, you’d have a mental map you rely on every time you move through the city, and eventually you stop thinking about it consciously. You have formed a “working model” of the city.

This is similar to how the brain learns to understand and navigate relationships, beginning in infancy and continually developing and adapting as the child’s cognitive and social capacities grow. Children are born into a world that they do not and cannot fully understand yet. To navigate it successfully, they must learn, through experience, who is safe, who they can depend on, and who will respond to their needs.

They explore through attachment behaviors: crying to see if someone will come, reaching out for comfort, or seeking proximity and connection. Over time, children begin to unconsciously notice patterns in caregiving: who responds quickly and consistently, and who is unpredictable; who soothes, and who withdraws. Slowly, they form their own “mental map” of relationships.

This “map,” or working model, becomes the basis of their early attachment style, shaping how much they trust others, how they see themselves, and what strategies they use to feel safe and cared for.

How do internal working models shape behavior?

Once internal working models are formed, children unconsciously use them to interpret relationships, guide their behavior, and shape interactions in ways that confirm what they expect about themselves and others.

For example, a child whose caregiver consistently treats them with interest, concern, and empathy will expect their caregivers to be trustworthy and responsive. When they feel frustrated or need help, they will be more likely to seek support, tolerate discomfort, and stay engaged rather than shutting down. This behavior invites further connection, which reinforces their belief that others are reliable and that the child is worthy of care.

In contrast, a child whose caregivers are unpredictable or require high effort to gain attention may learn to expect rejection and/or inconsistency. When frustrated, they might withdraw or escalate, often as an unconscious strategy to test the relationship by asking, “Am I worth caring for?” These behaviors can unintentionally push others away or create tension, reinforcing the child’s belief that relationships are unsafe or unreliable.

It is important to note that these “attention-seeking” behaviors are not deliberate manipulation, but rather unconscious bids for attachment, connection, and care.

Function of attachment

Before we dive too deep into the four attachment styles and their characteristics, we need to understand the function and nature of attachment in the first place.

As is the case with many human tendencies, the function of attachment is, at its core, survival. In contrast to other animals, human infants are uniquely helpless and incapable of meeting their own needs. They cannot regulate their bodies, emotions, or stress on their own. They must rely on their caregivers for survival, and therefore engage in attachment behaviors (for example, crying) to draw attention to those needs.

Attachment serves another important function, something that psychologists refer to as a “secure base.” When children trust their caregivers, they feel more secure and confident in their ability to explore the world around them, knowing that if they encounter a difficult situation, they have a secure base to return to—one that will comfort and soothe them, take interest in them, and help them navigate their emotions while also supporting their autonomy and exploration.

Attachment is also foundational for emotional regulation. Again, infants cannot self-regulate; their nervous systems are still too immature for that. When they experience distress, their bodies may go into the fight/flight stress response, but they do not have the physical ability to act upon it, which, if left unhelped (or made worse by abuse/neglect), would lead to chronic stress without recovery, causing a disruption in development.

However, when a safe, regulated caregiver is able to intervene, responding to the infant’s needs with support and comfort, the child’s nervous system can regulate through the caregiver. This is co-regulation, and it forms the basis of self-regulation later in life once the child’s brain has developed enough to be capable of it.

Whether or not these purposes are fulfilled depends greatly on the interactions the child has with their environment, and especially, their caregivers.

History: The Strange Situation

To better understand these working models, we must go back to 1970 when psychologist Mary Ainsworth (a student of John Bowlby, the developer of attachment theory) conducted a study known as the Strange Situation.

The premise of the study was straightforward: a child and caregiver enter an unfamiliar room. Then, a series of separations and reunions take place, during which the researchers observe how the child responds. They are observed with the caretaker, in the absence of the caretaker, during the reunion with the caretaker, and in the presence of a stranger.

During each phase, the researcher observes the child’s reactions and behaviors, such as proximity seeking, avoidance or resistance, maintaining contact with the caretaker, and searching behaviors.

The results? Three main attachment styles were observed by Ainsworth: Secure, Insecure Avoidant, and Insecure Ambivalent/Resistant. A fourth style, Disorganized, was observed and identified years later.

Preface: This study has been widely replicated and remains highly influential. That said, it does have limitations: it focused largely on Western, middle-class families; cultural differences can shape attachment behaviors; and some behaviors may reflect temperament rather than attachment alone. Also, while it still remains one of the most useful frameworks we have for understanding early relational patterns, these patterns can change with proper intervention and supportive experiences.

Attachment Styles

Secure Attachment
This was the most commonly observed pattern, with 70% of the participating children displaying secure attachment tendencies. Securely attached babies were willing to explore the new environment while the mother was present. Upon separation, they became distressed, but were able to be soothed upon her return. They would display fear when left alone with the stranger, but were friendly with them if the mother was present.

Secure attachment develops in children when their working model of relationships is influenced by caring, responsive caregivers that respond with safety, availability, and support. This leads securely attached children to learn that they can express their full range of emotions safely and can trust and seek comfort from their caregivers. Their internal message is: “I trust you.”

Insecure Avoidant Attachment
Fifteen percent of the babies in the experiment demonstrated insecure avoidant attachment. Some of them explored the new environment, but did so independently from their mothers, rather than relying on them as a secure base (self-reliant). They displayed little to no distress upon separation from their mothers and would ignore or avoid her upon her return. They did not exhibit any more emotional closeness with the mother as they did with the stranger.

Their internal working model of relationships often develops around the expectation that caregivers will be emotionally unavailable or unresponsive. This pattern is shaped by repeated experiences of having distress minimized, ignored, or discouraged. Over time, they learn that expressing emotions is not reliably welcomed and may even lead to rejection or withdrawal. Because their caregivers struggle to tolerate or respond to these emotional bids, the child adapts by minimizing emotional expression and increasing emotional distance. Their internal message is: “I don’t need you.”

Insecure Ambivalent/Resistant
The last 15% of the babies in the experiment demonstrated insecure ambivalent/resistant attachment. These babies explored the new environment very little, were afraid of the experimenter, were quickly and intensely distressed upon separation from their mother, and, upon the mother’s return, would seek comfort but resist or reject it, resulting in greater difficulty being soothed.

For ambivalent infants, the internal working model of relationships often develops around the expectation that caregivers will be inconsistent or unpredictable. This pattern is shaped by repeated experiences in which the caregiver is sometimes attentive and comforting, and at other times unavailable, misattuned, or difficult to engage. Over time, the child learns that care is possible but unreliable, and that maintaining closeness requires heightened effort. Because they cannot predict when or how their needs will be met, the child adapts by amplifying emotional expression, remaining hyper-focused on the caregiver, and prioritizing proximity over exploration. Their internal message is: “Don’t leave me.”

Disorganized Attachment
While not included in the initial study, replications of the study have identified disorganized attachment as a third category of insecure attachment. Disorganized infants explore new environments very little and often appear fearful, confused, or disoriented. During separation they become highly distressed, and upon the caregiver’s return they may approach for comfort and then abruptly freeze, turn away, collapse, or display contradictory behaviors, making it difficult for them to be soothed.

Their internal working model of relationships centers on fear without resolution. This pattern develops when the caregiver is simultaneously a source of comfort and a source of alarm due to frightening, frightened, or severely dysregulated caregiving. As a result, the child cannot form a predictable expectation about how to gain safety. Over time, the child learns that closeness is necessary for survival, yet proximity itself activates fear. Unlike ambivalent attachment, where emotional intensity is used as a consistent strategy to maintain connection, disorganized attachment is defined by the absence of a coherent strategy. Their internal message is: “I need you, but I fear you.”

Biology: What happens in the brain and body as attachment develops?

When the brain begins developing in the womb, it is built from the “bottom up,” starting with the most basic structures, such as the brainstem, that help the body regulate its autonomous functions, like breathing and heart rate, as well as the sucking and swallowing response. It then develops midbrain structures that regulate attention and sensory processing.

Then comes the limbic system, including structures like the amygdala and hippocampus. This region is crucial for emotion, memory, and stress-regulation and continues to develop during the first five years of life. The cortex comes last and continues to rapidly develop and mature through childhood and adolescence.

Before babies are even born, these structures are beginning to develop, and fast. But they will not be fully developed for many years. For this reason, the infant relies entirely on attachment figures. This means their emotional and threat response systems are highly active, but the cognitive systems that enable self-regulation are still underdeveloped. This puts them in a state of both high neuroplasticity (aka the brain's ability to change and adapt) and high vulnerability.

Why? Well, brain development at this stage is profoundly experience-dependent. When experiences are repeated, the neural pathways involved are strengthened. And since during infancy, nearly all of these experiences exist in the context of their relationship with their caregiver, their capacity for emotional regulation, stress response, and sense of safety are already being affected by shared interactions with their caregiver.

This process begins at birth: infants’ brains release norepinephrine, increasing alertness and readiness to engage, while caregivers’ brains release oxytocin, which promotes bonding and motivates caregiving. Over time, continued interactions (such as eye contact, face-to-face emotional expression, playful engagement, and responsive verbal communication) further strengthen attachment and support healthy brain development, both biologically and psychologically.

A common question I’m asked is, “Why do these early experiences matter so much if the child won’t even remember it when they’re older?” The answer lies in the difference between explicit and implicit memory. Explicit memory, or declarative memory, is conscious and verbalizable; the memories that you can readily bring to mind. The encoding of these memories depends on limbic and cortical structures, such as the hippocampus and prefrontal cortex, which are still immature in early childhood. This is why most people have little to no conscious memory of their lives before roughly 4–5 years of age.

Implicit memory, however, is unconscious and automatic. It shapes expectations, emotional reactions, and behavioral patterns without conscious awareness. It relies less on interactions between the hippocampus and the cortex, and more on the parts of the brain involved in conditioned responses, such as the amygdala and the basal ganglia. These systems mature much earlier and play a central role in an infant’s learning about safety vs danger.

Because of this, the brain is capable of learning through experience even when conscious memory systems are not yet fully online. In fact, some research has shown that damage to the amygdala eliminates conditioned threat responses, while damage to the hippocampus does not, demonstrating that declarative, contextual memory is not required for the brain to learn what feels safe or unsafe.

This is why early attachment experiences matter so deeply. They are encoded implicitly—at the level of the nervous system, not conscious memory. For this same reason, brain-based, body-based, and play-based therapies are especially powerful in accessing and repairing early attachment wounds that were learned implicitly, long before words or conscious memory were available.

The Takeaway

Early attachment experiences shape a child's world-view, which can influence their emotional regulation, confidence, resilience, and relationships as they navigate childhood, adolescence, and even adulthood. And, it is not set in stone. Attachment relationships can change, new attachments can be formed, and with consistent, supportive experiences, children (and adults) can become more secure over time.

Practical Application #1
Focus on effort and repair, not perfection. Nobody is consistent 100% of the time, and ruptures in the parent-child relationship are inevitable. By focusing on repair, children learn that relationships can recover from mistakes. Don’t be afraid to apologize, take responsibility, and work to build consistency and trust, even in small ways.

Practical Application #2
Because attachment is deeply implicit and largely nonverbal, reconnecting with one’s body is a key part of healing. Practices that cultivate awareness of bodily sensations, regulation, and safety can help repair early attachment disruptions. Practice mindfulness together: notice each other’s breathing, facial expressions, and body cues. Engage in gentle, safe physical connection: hugs, holding hands, cuddling, or guided play. Use touch and presence to reinforce safety, attention, and connection.

Practical Application #3
Get curious. Attachment security grows when caregivers are interested in a child’s emotional world, not just their behavior. Curiosity helps you to practice understanding feelings, intentions, and needs—which strengthens regulation, empathy, and relational trust over time.