Why Is My Child So Angry?

Screaming in the grocery store.

Refusing to go school.

Tantrums over the smallest things.

Kicking, hitting, throwing, yelling, “you can’t make me”, “you’re not the boss of me” or even the dreaded “I hate you”.

These are just a few ways that your child's anger manifests itself.

As a therapist that works closely with kids, I constantly hear parents expressing many of the same concerns. 

• Why is my kid so angry all the time? 

• What am I supposed to do when this happens? 

• How do I keep myself from getting triggered and doing/saying something I regret? 

• How do I develop a healthy, loving parent-child relationship when I always have to be the “bad guy”?

Some parents even admit that they are scared of their own child, doing whatever they can to placate them between tantrums and outbursts, trying to keep their child satisfied, but feeling like they are barely getting by in the process.

It is so easy to feel parental guilt when your child’s anger feels too big to handle. But know this: you and your child are not broken. 

These behaviors are a common part of child development, and even when it seems like it’s spiraling out of control, there are tools and skills that you can use to help your angry child develop and grow into a self-regulated, mindful, and emotionally intelligent kid.

In this post, I’ll get into the intricacies of childhood anger, why it’s so common, and how to respond to it differently starting today. We’ll talk about the underlying biological and psychological factors that can help you understand your child’s anger and respond to it with a new perspective. 

To begin, let’s break down what anger really is.

Anger has long been categorized as a “negative” and undesirable emotion. It has been viewed as sinful, sometimes equated to the deadly sin of “wrath”. 

It has become synonymous with “madness”, which comes from an Old English word meaning “out of one’s mind”. As a result, we are taught to believe that we shouldn’t feel anger, and it is often accompanied by shame. 

By this logic, is it ever good to feel angry?

Two influential historical forces would definitely say so. 

Aristotle, one of the great thinkers of ancient Greece, wrote “Anybody can become angry; that is easy. But to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way—that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” 

He argues that, when used properly, anger can be an effective tool as a means for preventing injustice and fighting for what is right. As we’ll see later, anger can be an excellent signal for identifying what we need and value. 

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. shared a similar sentiment. In a 1965 speech, he used the term “creative maladjustment” referring to the concept of using innovative strategies to resist or refuse injustice or inequality. 

Many of the greatest developments in civil rights happened because someone got angry and found a way to express it meaningfully and effectively. 

Rather than simply believing that “life’s not fair”, creative maladjustment urges us to identify real issues and work to influence them for the better.

Aristotle’s and MLK’s perspectives align well with the true meaning of anger, based on the Old Norse “angr”, translating roughly to “distress” or “grief”. This implies that anger is a response to hardship, frustration, and unmet needs. Something that adults and children can experience every day. 

And if anger is present but the skills to navigate it mindfully have not yet been learned, it is easy to default to outward aggression.

So why do we (kids AND adults) get angry in the first place?

Anger is often talked about as a “secondary emotion”, meaning that it is what we feel and express outwardly when we feel something else beneath the surface, such as fear, anxiety, sadness, or pain. 

And because all these feelings require a higher degree of self-awareness and vulnerability to identify and express, anger takes over. It’s protective, empowering, and doesn't require us to “let anyone in”.

As was mentioned earlier, anger is also a response to unmet needs, both physical (sleep, nutrition, physical safety) and emotional (attention, connection, autonomy, consistency, and acceptance are some of the big ones, especially for children). 

And it’s not just needs. When what we want or value is different from what actually is, we experience frustration, and the inconsistency between a desired outcome and the actual outcome can feel very overwhelming to a child. 

How many times do you hear “that’s not fair!” when your child doesn’t get what they want? When we experience real (or perceived) injustices, we often respond with anger.

But why?

Biologically, the function of anger is pretty straightforward: to get needs met, establish control, and intimidate perceived threats. These mechanisms exist in nearly every member of the animal kingdom and are rooted in similar neurological systems. 

Let’s take a look at anger in your child’s brain.

When your child senses a threat (which may be anything from uncomfortable clothing textures to a confrontation with a bear, and can vary greatly depending on the child’s tolerance for sensory input), the amygdala, a deep brain structure that plays a role in identifying and responding to threats, is activated, triggering the brain’s alarm system.

The amygdala communicates to its neighbor, the hypothalamus, whose primary function is to coordinate a response to anything that threatens the body’s internal stability, or homeostasis. 

It releases CRH (Cortitropin-Releasing Hormone), which activates the pituitary gland, aka the “hormone coordinator”, which then releases ACTH (Adrenocorticotropic Hormone) to communicate through the bloodstream to the adrenal glands that the body needs to face a threat. The adrenal glands release the stress hormone cortisol, which energize the body. This is called the sympathetic nervous system response, or “fight or flight”, which can be identified by the following symptoms:

• Increased heart rate

• Increased blood pressure

• Muscular tightness

• Faster, deeper, irregular breathing

Although anger and fight/flight are often talked about negatively, this is actually a wonderful process!  It is incredibly useful in emergency situations that require immediate physical intervention.

It becomes problematic, however, when the brain has a difficult time deciding what is or is not a threat.

And that is precisely what is happening in a child’s brain.

One important structure that does not develop in humans until around 25-30 years old is the prefrontal cortex (PFC). It is the most human part of the brain and differentiates us from other animals. The PFC is involved in important executive functions, such as reason, logic, mindful awareness, and planning. 

It is extremely helpful in threat assessment due to its ability to evaluate the context of a situation and regulate the amygdala’s response to perceived danger. 

Once a situation is deemed safe, the PFC actually sends inhibitory signals to the amygdala, stopping the flight or flight response by turning on the biological brakes and initiating the parasympathetic nervous system response, or “rest and digest”. 

In kids, the PFC is not only less developed, but its connections to the amygdala are weaker. This leads to bigger, faster, longer anger episodes and much slower recovery. 

Their anger is also more easily triggered in the first place, since they have a difficult time knowing the difference between harm and discomfort, injustice and disappointment, or threat and frustration.

And the most frustrating part of this is that you, the adult, do know. Your PFC is fully able to assess a situation and find a solution, while your child’s amygdala is still firing, seemingly unable to be soothed. 

You want them to be able to self-regulate, but the developmental level of their brain makes that difficult.

They need to start with co-regulation.

In other words, they need to depend on a safe, trusted, and regulated nervous system outside of themselves so that they can mirror that regulation within themselves. You can, in essence, become a temporary, external PFC for your child. 

The needs of each child are different, but this often involves a soft, steady voice, eye contact, slow breathing, gentle facial expressions, physical closeness, and predictability.

Once you are physiologically and emotionally attuned, the child’s nervous system can begin to inhibit the amygdala and regulate itself. 

And as this happens more frequently, you are reinforcing the neuronal connections in the brain that lead to regulation after anger, building a stronger foundation for self-regulation within your child.

This will set them up for greater emotional success in the future. They will be able to be more mindful, more emotionally intelligent, and even physically healthier, since suppressed, unprocessed anger can lead to significant health risks, including hypertension, coronary artery disease, IBS, and more. They will be less likely to experience depression and anxiety, engage in compulsive behaviors, or develop an eating disorder. 

Kids that learn healthy self-regulation are being set up for an overall higher quality of life.

The Takeaway

We’ve talked a lot about the “what” and the “why”, so let’s get to the “how”.

Here are 4 practical applications that you can start doing with your child TODAY to support their development of self-regulation.

#1) Practice gratitude, contentment, and delight together.

Notice when things are going well. Identify moments of humor, beauty, curiosity, interest, and joy. Discuss things that brighten your day, things you love about each other and/or yourselves, or things that you are proud of. 

Celebrate effort and learning, as well as accomplishments and successful outcomes. 

Reinforce the pathways in the brain that lead to a more regulated state of being. This won’t stop anger in its tracks, but it will get your child (and you!) much more familiar with feeling present, aware, and more generally “okay”.

For example:

• What’s something you did that you are proud of?

• What went well today? What did you/others do to make it happen?

• Look at the sunset! How many colors do you see? Which one is your favorite? Sunsets make me feel calm and hopeful. What about you?

#2) Notice, name, and validate your child’s feelings (including the ones that anger is covering up).

Your child’s feelings mean something. Even if they aren’t always 100% accurate, they still provide necessary information about what your child needs or cares about. 

Encourage healthy emotional expression and awareness. Let them know that their feelings are safe with you and you will work to navigate and understand them together.

For example:

• I can see that you’re really frustrated right now! You tried really hard to do something and it didn’t work out. That makes sense, that’s frustrating!

• What does that feel like in your body? When I’m frustrated I feel tight hands and start feeling really hot. What about you?

#3) Together with your child, create an “emotional expression list”.

Explore different skills, tools, activities, and strategies that can either help safely release some energy or express how they are feeling. 

This is not a replacement for emotional processing (aka, we’re not avoiding the emotion by doing something else), but actually to facilitate processing by leaning into the emotion and finding something non-harmful and non-aggressive to do with it.

This will vary from kid to kid. Just keep it safe and age-appropriate. For example:

• Physical: jumping jacks, running in place, dancing, sports/games.

• Vocal: Shouting into a pillow, singing loudly in a private space.

• Creative expression: art, music, dance, writing

• Calming: breathing, muscle relaxation, walk/nature

#4) Practice co-regulation in situations where the child is NOT activated.

Regulation is a skill. You wouldn’t only play basketball during a playoff game. You would practice, get comfortable/familiar with the skills, and then learn to apply them more effectively during the game. During activation, the brain is less capable of learning, and the skills are not going to stick long-term unless they are practiced under regulated circumstances. This will also teach your child that their feelings matter all of the time, not just once they have become a problem.

Look for natural opportunities for connection and co-regulation. Transitions are especially helpful, such as getting ready for school, coming home, or settling into morning and nighttime routines. 

Play together, since play is the language kids understand most naturally. Create simple connection rituals such as daily check-ins, mealtimes, or weekly family/game nights to build consistency and a sense of safety. Make space to relax together through breathing, stretching, walking, or anything calming. 

Model your own regulation by naming what you feel, how it shows up in your body, and what you’re choosing to do: 

“I’m feeling stressed. My body feels tight and fidgety, so I’m going to take some slow breaths to help myself feel calm. You can breathe with me if you want.” Just be careful not to imply that your feelings are your child’s responsibility.

Your goal is simply to show them how to notice and respond to their own emotions with awareness and self-compassion.